Operation: Shopping
by Shuichi Saito
Summary: Simon learns the hard way that Jace, Alec and shopping don't mix too well together. Especially when it's for feminine products. Contains: Mild swearing, epicness and lots of homour. Malec. - NEW AND IMPROVED VERSION


"Hah!"

"Found them?"

"Yeah, these are them. Strawberry flavoured, that's what they wanted, right?

"Are they under 50 calories each?"

"How should I know?"

"I dunno! Maybe checking the packet might help?"

"So, why does it even matter?"

Alexander glared at his annoying adoptive brother, who was grinning and tossing the packet of cookies from one hand to the other – Alec sighed for what seemed like the fifteenth time in the fast five minutes.

"See Jace, it says they must be less than 50 calories. That's what Isabelle and Clary wanted" Alec pointed to the piece of floral paper in his hand; Jace peered at the vibrant pink writing that belonged to Izzy. The boys had been dominated for the weekly shopping, much to their annoyance. Isabelle and Clary were having a 'girls day' – which mainly consisted of drying on numerous dresses and doing their nails. Leaving them no choice; either that or suffer Izzy's cooking again.

"I think we should get these ones" Alec commented, taking another box of cookies from the shelf and waving them in the blondes face "See, it says 40 calories"  
"I don't give two fucks about the calories; I say we should get these" He rattled the packet of strawberry flavoured ones "Because they are half the price and double the cookie size. Do you think the girls are going to taste the extra calories when they eat them?"

But it says on the list-"

"SHUT UP ABOUT THE LIST ALEC!"

"What are you two doing here?" A familiar voice interrupted, both boys turned to see none other than Simon, a shopping basket in his right hand filled with vegetables; the vampire was watching them curiously, but he rolled his eyes when Jace groaned dramatically "Ugh, it's you again"

"Pleasure to see you too blondie" Simon replied sarcastically before turning to Alec who looked slightly surprised.  
"What are you doing here?"  
"Err…food shopping, I come here all the time"  
"You come here all the time!" Jace exclaimed; Simon just nodded, lips pulling down into a frown when Jace scoffed "Are you gay?"

"What! Of course I'm not gay"

"I see...did Isabelle force you to come here then?" Alec asked "She didn't; Didn't she?"

Simon just glared at the two "No, I am not gay, and no, Izzy did not force me to come here"

"Ah, so tell me dear friend of mine" Jace said "Why is a daylighter like you shopping in a food store, since most people of the male gender either leave that job to siblings or other female occupants of the household. I think you're gay"

"I come here because my mum works for a living, so she has no time to go out and buy food. I know I don't eat anymore seeing as I'm a _vampire_. But I don't think my mum would enjoy tucking into a nice mug of sheep's blood" He said sarcastically.

Jace merely blinked before raising both fine blonde eyebrows and placing the pink coloured packet of strawberry cookies in the handheld basket Alec was holding.

"Jace!" Alec hissed "I said to get these ones!"

"What are you guys doing?" Simon questioned, Alec sighed and looked at him pleadingly "Jace wants to buy these" He pointed to the pink box of cookies "But the ones I have are lower calories"

Simon paused for a moment in thought as he looked at the back of the strawberry cookie packet in shock "These have over a 100 calories in them!"

"Ugh...calories are calories...why does it matter!" Jace exclaimed; Simon took a deep breath before going into explanation

"I understand where you're coming from Jace; if you were getting something for yourself you wouldn't care about the fat content or calories per cookie. Girls however, are a different story. You have to get the exact brand they want, and the calories have got to be as low as possible. If you get a different brand of cookies and they eat them, they'll just complain about how weird or funny they taste. If you get some with a high calorie content, they'll complain about how their hips will get fat. If the shop doesn't have the cookies they want, you just have to go to another store until you find the right brand. That's how it works"

Jace and Alec stared at him for a moment before Jace opened his mouth.

"How do you know all of this?"

"My mums watching her weight" Simon said back.

"Are you sure you're not gay?" Jace asked, a smirk tugging at the corners of his lips.

"I already said, I'm NOT gay" Simon bit back, rather loudly, causing everyone in the aisle to look at them funny, Alec flushed from embarrassment.

"Anyway, we got bread, milk, cheese and cookies...wait...what the hell are sanitary towels?" Alec said, looking at the name of the last item on the list, Jace shrugged and looked at Simon.

"Do you know what these mysterious sanitary towels are Mr. King Of All Things Feminine. How many calories do girls like in these towels? Do they like certain flavours too?"

Simon face was bright pink from all the startled stares they were getting from the other shoppers.

"Shut up Jace" He hissed "Look...just follow me and I'll show you what...sanitary towels ...are..."

~ ~ ~ ~

"How strange" Alec muttered, turning the box over that Simon had just given him, never before in his whole seventeen years of living he had heard of these weird 'sanitary towel' things "These don't list the amount of calories!"

Jace shrugged and grabbed the box "I wonder if it says inside the box?"

"Actually...it doesn't say the flavour either..." Alec murmured quietly, looking back at the crumbled paper in his hand "Oh wait...It says they want some with wings"

"Wings!" Jace exclaimed, grinning widely "That's so cool, they make you FLY! We need to make sure we buy another box, I want some sanitary towels too"

Simon just stared at the two, he couldn't believe them. Well...maybe he could for Jace, but Alec too! He suddenly felt the burning desire to run away from the two idiots and from the snickering passer-bys.

"Oh! Jace, I don't think you're meant to do that!"

Simon was pulled from his thoughts by Alec's loud alarmed voice, blinking, he nearly choked on air at what he saw. The open box of sanitary towels lay on the floor, their contents split everywhere, and there stood Jace in the middle of it all, peeling the backing plastic from one.

"Do you have to stick it in a certain place to make you fly Simon? I guessing you have to put some on your back?" Jace questioned, while Alec desperately tried to shove the scattered towels back into the box.

"Jace!" Simon hissed loudly, getting the attention of a nearby shop assistant, who looked over in shock at the trio of boys. Simon ran over and joined Alec in stuffing them back into the box. 

"Wow, that took ages" Jace complained as he dragged himself out the shop, Alec followed behind him shortly, texting on his phone, no doubt to his walking disco ball of a boyfriend, Simon trailed behind the two – a frazzled look etched on his face.

"Well, it would have been quicker if you hadn't had OPENED THE FREAKING BOX OF SANITARY TOWELS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE AND BEEN CAUGHT BY A SHOP ASSISTANT!" Simon said, yelling the last part. He couldn't help himself, he was just frustrated. Those two were a pain to go shopping with,

"Well sorry!" Jace said swiftly "The box claimed that they had wings, and I wanted to see for myself"

A moment of silence wafted between the three teens before it was broken by the loud-mouthed blonde.

"Are you sure you're not gay Simon?"

Simon's face turned pink, then purple, then blue, and finally he angrily grabbed his shopping bags and strode off down the street, pausing once to yell over his shoulder "I AM NOT GAY!"

Alec and Jace watched the vampire walk away.

"But Alec..."

"Don't worry Jace; I think he's gay too"

**I decided to do a quick re-make of the original story, Because of a few things that were pointed out by some lovely people out there – and by the fact I re-read it and spotted lots of grammatical errors.**

Hope you the redone and hopefully better version.


End file.
